She received many threats but she didn’t buckle under pressure.

Read about this gutsy Brahmin lady who stuck her neck out by exposing one of India’s major scandals.

http://www.koramangala.com/korabuz/y2k1/jan01.htm

A Minister from West Bengal’s ruling party, Trinamool Congress (TMC) has asked party workers to ‘say No to any sort of relationship with the Communist Party Marxist (CPM). No marriage, no relationship, no girlfriends/boyfriends, no puppy love, no chatting in tea stalls or attend social gatherings organized by the CPM. Apparently, this is now laid down party policy.

The TMC has vowed to boycott CPM totally so as to ensure the party workers build resolve amongst themselves.

Which means if a lady CPM worker is offering her ‘oomph’ on a plate, the TMC worker should turn his face the otherway. Maximum they can do is get a close look, but no touching or feeling. Of course, if no one is around watching, a ‘quickie’ may be in order, but don’t get caught if you want your sex life in tact.

It’s conditions such as these that makes me wonder, what the hell do we elect people for? To tell me what I can do, what I can’t? I thought India was a free, democratic nation. We are called ‘Citizens of India’ and we are bestowed with certain Fundamental Rights. And these Fundamental Rights cannot be vetoed by political set-ups.

I keep asking the question, are we a global nation and if so, when and where did we begin? Is the world really looking up to us as a would-be super power in the years to come, and if yes, which angle of vision are they seeing from?

The CPM, according to the TMC, destroyed growth in West Bengal. And this super-brainer of an idea is how the TMC intends to revive the fortunes of the State? Will they chop off you-know-what in Taliban-style? Who the hell are they anyway?

Other than the TMC there have been lots of do’s and dont’s diktats from many political parties in the recent past. None, however, has given priority to growth, development and elimination of poverty. Oh, programmes and policies have been written on reams of paper and gallons of ink poured into them. The whole idea is to get sanctions for funds and live happily ever after.

You didn’t know that? How silly can you get!

I’m reminded of an old Chinese saying – Out of a Dog’s mouth will never come Ivory Tusks.

And what if he escapes? We know how reputed our prisons are. They might allow him “just this once” to go for a movie, do some shopping and wallop some mutton gosht and a couple of biryanis and its “Farooq’s Day Out’ never to return.

Guess what they’d do in a country like say, Saudi Arabia? Flog him first, then chop off his hands, and perhaps his balls too considering the act was so despicable. And crowds would come to watch the event, pretty much like the IPL, but with no cheerleaders, unfortunately.

I read in the papers that he was beaten up by the inmates of Bangalore’s Central Prison where he’s lodged and that none wants to share the cell with this cold-blooded killer. The guards and wardens in the jail are keeping a close watch because they sense that he might get beaten up again given half-a-chance.

Come to think of it, this ruthless act of Farooq’s makes Jack the Ripper sound like Wile E. Coyote, that cunning fox from the comic strip ‘The Road Runner’.

I don’t know how many months it will take before Umar Farooq is brought to trial. And then, it will drag on and on and on forever. In India it happens all the time, we all know that. It’s kind of customary. We have the Court Vacations, the Judge goes on leave, the lawyer falls sick, the advocates go on strike, even as the prison authorities go into some sort of hibernation. And finally, there are the periodic Judge transfers which can set the clock back quite a bit.

Finally, if and when there is a conviction in the next 15 years or so, and let’s assume he’s sentenced to death by hanging, Farooq will find himself at the end of a long ‘Q’.

Then this rubbish of mercy petitions will be filed, His/Her Excellency, the President of India will then sit on it for a few years, again, this is pretty much customary for President’s to do. By then it’ll be time to elect another President and he/she has to follow his/her predecessor – sit on it.

Flying around across the globe with family, not to mention the cooks, the chefs, the bhel-puri wala, the gardener, the shoe-shine boy, the ‘istriwalla’, the neighbors, long-lost cousins and a host of others in Big Boeings at tax-payers cost is more fun.

Now, three – actually, four – things can happen. Farooq will either die of old age; the other inmates will poison him or beat him to death; he can bribe his way and drive out in a City Taxi waiting outside the prison gates; or, like Andy Dufrense in the popular movie ‘The Shawshank Redemption’ dig his way out to freedom.

If he opts for the last one, he’d better start ASAP.

I have a better suggestion. Why have blood on our hands? Why waste tax-payers money on lawyers? Send the bugger to Saudi Arabia or hand him over to the Taliban (with a little help from our Indian Muslim community) and let “law take its own course”.

One swish of the curved sword and the chap is a gonner!

The contention is that foods like potato chips, burgers, noodles, etc, contain bad fat, salt and sugar beyond permissible limits. And they go to list the daily permissible intake for adults and children.

This CSE exercise is not new. Every once in 2-3 years they come up with new findings and shout themselves from the rooftops, thumping their fists and seeking stricter regulations.

I’m not saying that all the facts and data present is hogwash. Perhaps, there’s lots of truth in it. Having said that, I for one wish to take a practical approach.

Now, I’m no scientist neither am I a ‘Foodie’ in the true sense of the word but I sure as hell am a consumer of the above mentioned foods and lot more. I love Burgers and during my travels abroad I never missed a chance to drop by at McDonalds, pick up a few burgers and Coke. At times I even breakfast on large Submarine Sandwiches.

CSE’s figures pertain to permissible daily intake and the harmful effects if consumed in excess. Agreed. I wonder how many resort to gluttonous eating of these foods on a daily basis? I mean, these are expensive and even college kids or bachelors with loads of cash wouldn’t sort of sit down at a fast food joint and tell the waiter, “A Chicken Burger, Potato Chips and a Pepsi every one hour, and half-a-dozen plates of KFC Chicken Wings and Coke to go along with, please!”

CSE wants the government to impose strict regulations on these companies for violating maximum recommended norms and that the labeling be more informative so that consumers are aware of the what they are eating.

Sure thing! So now, each time I buy a pack of Lays or sit down at a fast-food joint to eat a juicy burger Chicken Burger, must I open my quality control kit of Salt Content Tester or a Fourier Transform Infrared Spectrometer to analyze the trans-fat content?

Come on, Man! I’m not James Bond who carries survival gear on my person, such as, a tracker in the heels of shoes or self-defense spray filled into a fancy ink pen clipped to the shirt pocket or briefcases that blow up in ones face if the latch is turned the wrong way.

I just eat the potato chips or the burger and sit back and enjoy it with a glass of chilled beer even if half the salt from the sea disappears.

The only instance I recall is of Elvis Presley who they say died of excessive hamburger eating. Poor chap; how much he must have loved those king-size burgers he consumed with gastronomical delight.

Another point. Why target multinationals always? On the one hand we want them to set shop here so that they bring in huge dollar investments and provide hundreds of jobs. Then, we run after them to sponsor sporting events, the IPL for instance, which has both, Pepsi and Coke as major sponsors. If they were to withdraw I can hardly imagine MTR or Ponnuswamy or Saravana Bhavan or Adiga’s making good the loss.

I wonder if the CSE has ever bothered to test roadside/street food. The Iddly, Dosa, Bhel Puri, Chinese Noodles, Fried Chicken, is actually extremely delicious. Each roadside cart is surrounded by people with plates in their hands enjoying the delicacies. What about the salt content, the quality of cooking oil, trans fats, general hygiene? Would they pass the CSE test? I don’t think so; and yet, people throng with family in tow to eat roadside/street food.

Maybe CSE can make a beginning testing the so-called Mineral Water manufactured by the unorganized sector with claims like “natural water straight from mountain springs”. And roadside ‘nimboo pani’ and sugarcane vendors use ice they claim is made from clean and pure water. Not too sure about that part, but on a hot, sweaty day they are real thirst quenchers.

Does the government have the balls to shut down street food vendors? Ridiculous. And erode the vote bank?

CSE, for a change, leave the multinationals alone.

It was S.H.I.T.

The Indian Cricket Board (BCCI), the Event Management Company should be instantly tried for treason. And if found guilty, they ought to locked up in prison for the next 20 years.

Pity Alcatel Prison has shut down.

A metal-wire strapped-up Priyanka Chopra floated in air for a while. I wondered what it was all about. Anyway, I’m sure her heart was in her mouth praying hard the wires didn’t snap, because, below sat an audience waiting to “gobble” her.

What shocked me was that most of the time she and a few others were speaking in Hindi to a primarily Tamil crowd. Even Captain Cool, Dhoni replied to her in Hindi.

Amitabh Bacchan’s poetry – which I thought was beautiful and presented with that touch of class as only AB could have done – was in Hindi too. Rather silly if you ask me.

The South African percussion band and the duo “Colonial Cousins” were nice to watch, but Prabhu Deva’s performance was despicable and outright cheap. I wonder if any of those moral policing groups, who generally have nothing much to do, might have noticed a glaringly obvious obscene gesture and have plans to haul up the dancer?

Perhaps not; They do it at home all the time for want of anything else to do. Maybe they’ll take dancing lessons from Prabhu Deva and improve upon dirty dancing to the tune of ‘why this Kolavari Di’.

God knows how much money flowed into the dirty Cooum River and then sidetracked its way into some dirty pockets. I mean, after all it is dirty money isn’t it and has to take a dirty route?

Time will tell if we hear of another scam called “IPL Scam”.

The cricketers were bored to death. They looked it. Some of them probably haven’t never seen anything as bizarre as that before. But then fellas, it can’t be more bizarre and frightening than some of the females who escorted the team captains through the sliding doors that opened to “Open Sesame” as in Alladin’s hideout.

Who choose those women with faces that looked like a donkey’s ass struck by lightening, and that too, twice in succession?

Ah, well!

Strange enough, somebody was missing. Anna Hazare! I mean, there’s corruption in sports and sports management. Right?

Maybe he was there in disguise, sans Gandhi cap, and Khadi kurta, pyjama, his one plate and one glass. How could he undertake a fast on an evening when Bollywood, Kollywood, Sandalwood, and other forms of timber were present in large numbers clapping to the rubbish of a feast out there?

A combined force of two women changed all that. In the last 3 months, almost once a week, I am in hospital for consultations or some test or the other. My day starts with capsules, tablets and syrups, and ends with capsules, tablets and syrups.

I’ve had 2 days of stay-ins already and thanks to advances in medical technology 2 days and not 2 weeks. “Eat lots of greens,” they said. Ever since then, I get this irresistible urge to graze each time I see a field of long blades of juicy grass.

They’ve made a Cow out of me.

I’ve had so many needles poked into me that I feel like I am a tea-sieve. Last week, I had to take 5 consecutive injections, one a day. Each morning the nurse would ask, “Yesterday was where?” I’d reply, “Left bum.” She’d say, “So today it’s the Right.” I’d say, “Yes.” I almost said, “If you think that tomorrow the punctures are getting too close, just shove it bang in the middle of my ass. I’ll bear the pain; you go and have yourself a nice day.”

My throat and asshole have been spied upon with the minutest of cameras mounted on tubes and the innards of my chassis photographed and color images presented to me as though they were some sort of rare works of modern art.

Now, they have the gall to tell me that I have a gall stone of about 15mm in diameter which is way above normal, and which is causing the bile to pile (in tons or gallons, depending on my stomach’s mood of the day).

I always believed that stones were meant, apart from various uses, to throw at buses and cars. That the human body could be a storehouse for stones was news to me. Thankfully, they haven’t come up with something like, “Ah, here’s that missing catapult”.

There’s more. One morning on an empty stomach, they wheeled me into an Operation Theater, shoved a camera-fitted tube into a vein in the stomach region and then all the doctors, junior doctors, nurses, attendants turned their gaze towards the color monitors, as if they were there for the opening night of Shah Rukh Khan’s Ra One. Later, they said that my heart was pumping at 35% capacity and 65% was sounding organ pipes in the nearby Church.

“Does that mean I can’t attempt beating Jamaican sprinter, Usain Bolt’s 100m world record of 9.58 seconds in the forthcoming London Olympics?” I enquired.

“You’ll pop it before you get to the 10th meter”, was the clear-cut retort. So, now I need to cut down on my smoking; better still, give it up. So easy for them to say.

They tell me my liver is harder than Mount Rushmore National Memorial and highly inflamed like a volcano in its final stages of eruption. “Oh, come on, it can’t be that bad?” I protested. Ignoring my protests, I was politely told, “Cut down on the alcohol. Stick to not more than 30ml; better still, give it up. Or else you’re a dead duck.”

What? A small peg a day? This is preposterous. I’ve grown up living life king-size and if that and just a handful of cigarettes is what they expect me to live on – besides those bloody greens – I’m dead, not as a duck, but as a Dodo.

Be that as it may, I’ve have – rather reluctantly, if I might add – restricted myself to at least half of what they’ve prescribed, which I believe is a reasonably good enough beginning.

With all those capsules, tablets and syrups churning in the grinding mill they call my stomach, where’s the space for more? I’ve spent hours and hours on the Internet searching for whiskey-filled/coated capsules/tablets and the nearest I came up with was After Shave Lotion.

My ex-boss was right; Life can be a Bitch!

Makes us all feel proud that, if not we, at least our children/grandchildren can cock a snook at the Chinese and say, “We are the Best.”

I, of course, wont be around but hopefully I’ll get to hear the cheering.

If you thought that sounds good, here are a few more headlines from today’s ‘Times’.

Ready? Here we go!

1. Bangalore costliest Indian city to live in.
No quarrels to that. If one pays bribes day-in, day-out, what can one expect. Besides, if tax payers’ money is spent carting bus loads to swank resorts, how else could we have earned the tag. And it’s been a long list, right from Pensioner’s Paradise, Garden City, IT City, Knowledge Capital, and now, ‘costliest city.’ Someone forgot “murderous city”.

2. Abducted Bangalore jeweler found stabbed to death.
And guess what the murderer took away? Rs. 2000/- and a gold chain. Life’s become that cheap, eh? By the way, the cops haven’t got any clues as yet, and that ought not to surprise anyone. They are catching up on their reading of Sherlock Holmes.

3. Narayana Murthy (co-founder Infosys) is among 12 “greatest entrepreneurs of our time.”
His name figures along with the likes of Steve Jobs, Bill Gates and Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg, who at the present moment, is holidaying with his Chinese girlfriend in Shanghai.

4. Angry Government in bind over Army Chief, who was supposedly offered a 14 crore rupees bribe by a truck manufacturer.
And the Defense Minister tells the Army Chief, “shucks man, why don’t you nail the bugger?” And the Army Chief probably something like, “Ah, forget it, Mantriji. After all it’s 14 crores; that’s small change.”

5. Sasikala, once the darling of Tamilnadu Chief Minister, disowns kin for Jayalalitha.
This is called “loyalty”. She kicks her family in the butt and says, “I have never dreamt of betraying the CM. Now, bugger off all of you. And you there, take your filthy hands out of the kitty, Machaan’ that belongs to Jaya Akka and me.”

6. Former Punjab Chief Minister Beant Singh’s assassin, Balwant Singh Rajoana has been let off, albeit temporarily.
He was to hang on 31st March 2012. He says he wants to die, but the Akali Dal government that rules (if that’s the right word to use) Punjab say, “no, no; you can’t die. We have some unfinished business.” Arree Baba, the man has served nearly 20 years of his life behind bars and wants to die. So what’s bothering you guys?

7. Maoists make Fresh Demands.
After abducting 2 Italians recently, they released one of them, Paolo Bosusco, who, I presume is safely back home and stuffing himself with Spaghetti Bolognese. The other chap, Claudio Colangelo, is still a hostage and probably crying out “Mama Mia” which the Maoists mistook to be abusive language aimed at their Ammaji and probably why they refuse to release him. Meanwhile, the Orissa government says, “the new set of demands are being examined by our special panel of surgeons and doctors,” and a decision will be take if surgery is required or not after tests reports are made available.

8. The BBMP to construct necklace road. (Whatever that means).
The Asian Bank offered BBMP a loan, but they refused it saying, “We don’t need it. We have enough chains snatched in the last 10 years to use as raw material for the necklace road. So, piss off.” The BBMP say the new road will link up to the Bangalore International Airport from Yelahanka Lake via Yelahanka Town. Did you say, “Yelahanka Lake?” When the BBMP makes roads in and around the vicinity of lakes, etc, one better watch their driving. Or, at least ensure you know (a) to swim and/or (b) keep the inflatable tube in the boot. Don’t forget the pump to inflate the tube, or else you’re a goner.

Boy, am I going to miss all that fun of the 2050′s?

Then came another fast, then another and yet another, to the extent it sounded like crying wolf again. Last Sunday I think he fell flat with cake in his face. Everyone knows the power our politicians wield. They can make you or break you. And that’s why his sidies should have refrained from referring to our Parliamentarians as murderers, rapists and what not. Many are but one can’t paint all with the same brush.

What’s conveniently forgotten is that it’s we who put them there in the first place. Also, Anna & Co need to re-think. Are their supporters free from corruption? Do they get things done without offering bribes? Or, or those night vigils and gatherings a good outing excuse as a last resort if movie tickets weren’t available that Sunday?

Wither patriotism!

His associate, Arvind Kejriwal – this man is in deep trouble, I tell you – goes a step ahead and lists out politicians who are corrupt. Now, that’s a bit out of order. I think he’s opened his mouth a bit too wide to put his tiny, little foot in.

If he has the evidence then he ought to be urgently banging on the Supreme Court doors. “Excuse me Your Lordship”, and lay bare his facts. Interestingly, most of the names on the list are Congresswallas. That, to my mind is grossly unfair. Is he telling us that there aren’t any corrupt politicians in other parties such as the BJP, the Left, Right, Centre, Upside Down, Downside Up? What about all those elephants in Uttar Pradesh. Not those silly, I am reffering to the concretewallas.

Coming up: Bedi Biryani and Kejriwal Kachumbar.

If the likes of Sushma Swaraj, Sharad Yadav and many others can tear Anna’s accusations apart, I wont be surprised if there’s a storm brewing somewhere and when it hits, Anna & Co will be in the centre of that whirlpool.

And the rest of the country – all those who came in hordes, held candlelight vigils, and stuck bumper stickers on cars with the slogan, ‘I Am Anna’ – well, most of them will suddenly vanish into thin air. Who wants to be in the midst of a lathi-charge? All said and done, deep down inside we are a nation mostly made up of cowards.

Sad, but true!

Every budget has an interesting angle to it. If there is an election somewhere you can bet there will be a populist slant somewhere with a whole lot of sops and freebies.

And of course, the opposition will always cry foul. “It’s a terrible budget”, “It’s going to hit the common man who is already hit badly”, “the rich will get richer” and so on, so forth. I’ve never ever heard of the opposition parties have a good word even if there are some good initiatives. I suppose that’s why they are called the ‘opposition’; doing their job.

Have you ever seen a politician with a shopping basket in the vegetable market?

But what gets my goat is when people denounce the budget because, “Shit man, cigarette prices are up again”, “Rail fares have gone up”, “Bloody hell, they’ve increased Air fares too”, “What? A/C’s are costlier too? This summer will be hell.”

Life-threatening, isn’t it?

If I’ve got the money to spend on flying, will another 200-300 bucks make me poor? If I don’t have an A/C, will I catch fire if I venture out? Does that mean that I must stay at home all summer in my A/C room and do no work at all because I could get hit by sunstroke?

We, the middle, the upper-middle, upper class are such a bunch of hypocrites that we make such a hue and cry if something is going to cost a few rupees more.

India’s poor are still poor, budget after budget, but no one is doing a damn about it. Budgets affect the business class a bit, but they’ll pass the increase on to the consumers, like they always do year after year.

Now, for those who live in air-conditioned comfort, are we going to deny our bawling child that chilled Coke or the ice cream because it’s costs two rupees more?

I doubt it!

That’s because 2012 arrived with a bundle of ailments, gift wrapped. In all my 65 years (a few more months to get there) I’ve never, ever been within a 100 yards radius of a hospital. Doctors yes; those cuts and wounds, an occasional virus fever – but that’s about it.

And guess what 2012 had in store for all of us? Scams, scams and more scams. It’s petrifying to think that one leaves for work in the morning after reading about a scam and by the time you’re back a few more have taken place. Even MS Dhoni’s sixers aren’t so frequent.

Gosh! How do they do it?

At times I try to enact the scenario. I’m up at half past six in the morning, sitting on the potty and I’m thinking. How much today? About 10-15 crores of rupees? Let’s make it quarter of a million. Shouldn’t get too greedy in one go. After all, there’s another new day tomorrow. Then, I’m rushing through breakfast of a single fried egg, sunny side up, a blackened toast and lemon tea, and I hit upon yet another idea. Why not have a word with Raja and Kalmadi and get their expert advice? I mean, they are to scams what Sachin is to cricket. By the time I’m through with my breakfast and before I can start my car, I’ve abandoned the idea of experts and their opinions.

Risky business, that! I mean, I’ll have to make a dozen trips to Tihar jail to discuss R & K’s commissions and what not. Besides, too frequent visits to hobnob with jailbirds is a dangerous thing. I mean, the jail staff may think I’m an inmate and why the hell am I not in jail uniform? Lock the bugger up.

By the time I weave and worm my way through Bangalore’s horrendous traffic and am seated in my office sipping steaming black coffee, I’ve completely lost track of the key points of Operation Scam.

My thoughts are rudely interrupted by the constant ringing of my cell phone.

I answer.

“Arre Yaar, what happened? I’m waiting for you.” It’s Raja calling to remind me we were supposed to meet at 10.30 am in Tihar.